“D and C, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage…”
Welp, that’s not quite our story…
D and C… We met as teenagers our freshman year of high school in English class. I liked him. He liked me.
Sitting on a tree…So we became girlfriend and boyfriend. The “tree” broke a couple of times but we just moved on to bigger and better ones as the years went past.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G …Oh boy did we kiss(blushing)! Who knew that the 25 cent packs of Juicy Fruit and Big Red gum tasted so good mixed with cherry lip gloss. We kissed so much that we were embarrassingly told by our school resource officer, “No PDA’s!!!” Those were the good ‘ole days (sorry mom )!
First came love… We fell in love… a deep indescribable, “I wish everyone could experience this kind of love” love! Honestly, we still are blessed to have this same depth of love for each other after almost 11 years of marriage because of our love of God.
Then comes marriage… Our love grew and grew. We were inseparable. We would break up to make up…A LOT! Love kept bringing us back together. We got married 10 years after we started dating the very first time. A few months right after we got married, D and I decided we wanted to look into growing our family. I went to the doctor thinking I was going to be told to just come off birth control, make whoopy, and boom…9 months later we would have a baby… but that wasn’t the next verse of our song.
Instead, I walked away, in my early 20’s in a daze. I just cried. “You have a 1% chance of getting pregnant…consider IVF or adoption.” Hearing these words from my doctors felt like life was being sucked out of me. Yes , doctors plural, we went to so many specialists, it was not even funny. I was just searching for someone, anyone to tell me that this was all just a big mistake! I did everything right! Right? I was healthy, I earned my college degree, we had jobs, we were in love and married…the next step was that we were supposed to have our baby!
I felt sick. I felt like there was nothing else to live for. I felt that I was less of a woman. I felt that I was useless. I was barren…
I quit my job that I loved working as an early childhood provider while I was in graduate school. I stopped going to my friends and families baby showers and kids birthday parties. I stopped working in the children’s ministry. I just could not be around kids. I got a lump in my throat everytime someone around me announced “We are pregnant!!!!” Their joy, their miracle; it was like a dagger to my heart every time. It wasn’t their fault, pregnancy is a blessing from God, it just was not our blessing. I was just so angry, hurt, confused, sad, ashamed, and embarrassed. Why me? Why is this happening to US? Why can’t we get pregnant? It seems like everyone else can get pregnant so easily! I just don’t get it.
I hated being around family and friends. Sadly, I lost friendships along the way. 3, 4, and 5 + years into our marriage, I loathed being around people because “THE” dreaded 8 word question was bound to be asked: “When are you guys going to have kids?” UGH!
Fast-forward 10 years later, only God could have gotten me through the painful journey of infertility to where I am now…but He did(and still is)! I would not wish infertility on even my worse enemy (not that I really have one…or do I!?).
Like my infertility journey, all of us have a dream or goal that we want to get “impregnated” with. We want our love and passion for our “ITs” to be formed, created, and conceived into our purpose. We want to give “birth” to all the hard work, all the blood, sweat, and tears, all the labor, and all the dreams that we felt God laid on our hearts to pursue! Unfortunately, like me, you may have been told, “You have a 1% chance…”
If you ever talk to me about infertility, I will flat out tell you, “It sucks!” However, I will also tell you that I was never told that I would never be a mother, it just wasn’t the way that I intended to become a mother, it wasn’t the norm. So yes, I was told that I have a 1% chance to get pregnant but I also was not told that I have a 100% chance of being a mother! God placed the desire in me to become a mother, not to just become pregnant- and that desire has been fulfilled. Do I still struggle from time to time with the “why me’s,” absolutely but God always reminds me that He has already wrote my story and infertility is just a small part of my journey through life.
The passions and dreams inside of you, those deep down gut feelings that you have to do “IT”- that is not by mistake my friend! If you feel like your “IT” is currently infertile, barren, stagnant, or dead; then take some time to evaluate your “IT.” Will “IT” always just be a dream OR will the journey just look a little different from what you thought? Be open and ready, the answer may surprise you and may be closer than you realize…
Then…comes the babies in the baby carriage… I could have never imagined my life as it is today, a mother of 3 precious little ones that I love so deeply and unconditionally, as a woman who has been declared barren! Imagine if I would have stayed in the dark pit of depression or never considered any other options, my life would not be what it is today.
“He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord…” Psalm 113:9 New Living Translation (NLT)
Is my life one big “happy ending” or perfect? Absolutely not, because my life is not over, however it truly is my hope to not look back and have regrets. My identity is not solely centered around being a mother. I love being a mother and being a mother makes me happy, but it is not my complete source of happiness or my only purpose in life. Over the years, I have learned that nothing and nobody can complete me or give me purpose, other than the Lord.
Take a step back and look at what your “IT” is? Do you feel like your “IT” is infertile or barren? What is your ultimate goal for your “IT?” Is there another way to accomplish “IT?” What or Who completes you?