I am writing this post because I need an outlet. I need a break from taking care of someone or something, even just for a few minutes. I just need a moment where I can just be me. Not a Mom, not a Wife, not a Daughter, not a Sister, or not even a Friend. Just me.
I have to admit, I am a little reluctant to write this post because I don’t want to be judged but….I will be judged regardless so, why not be free and speak my mind? That’s what blogging is all about anyway, right?!
Everyone always tells me, “you make motherhood look easy,” “you handle 3 toddlers like a Boss,” or “you are a really awesome Mom.” Little do they know that inside I am secretly cringing each time I hear what people say that are meant to be compliments. I always respond that I take it an hour at a time and rely heavily on God. People laugh but boy, I truly do mean it.
Well today, I am not feeling any sense of those statements above. Today I had a keep- the- kids- in- the- car- with the windows rolled down moment just so I could have a 5 minute breather after running errands and doing activities with the kids today. They were safe. I stood outside the car and called my husband to vent. I just needed a moment to express my frustrations and for someone to listen. I also know that these sweet little faces and funny stories that I can’t make up will be my prized memories one day when they are all grown up and too big to hold, but today I had a hard time thinking this far.
I struggle often with wondering if I am doing or being enough for my kids. Struggle with whether or not I am using the right disciplining techniques or if I am spending enough quality time. I struggle with sometimes not always wanting to be around my kids and just wanting Chantal time. I struggle with guilt because of these emotions of frustration and operating out of shear fatigue for the same children that I waited and prayed so long for.
I literally pray daily for God to show me how to be a mother, what to say, where to go, and for my kiddos to take a nap. I guess this is what people are seeing, the gifting’s of the Lord through my weaknesses.
Today, was no exception. I had just had it. We went to the library for a watercolor painting activity. It took all of me and about an hour and a half today to get everyone dressed ,fed, and loaded in the car. We arrived and in the van I give the kids “the talk.” We go in and the kids paint for 5 minutes and say “I am done now.” I am thinking to myself, “are you serious!” So if anyone has a toddler, you understand that you can do all that you can to make them do something, but it is like World War 3. So, I picked my battle, gave up on the painting idea and let them explore by reading books and play with the other toys there. My kids are fascinated with kitchen play, so of course that’s what they all want to play with at the library, only there is not enough of the same toy for everyone…
ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!
I could have swore I heard one of the twins say that… and so we left after they all begun to scream at each other about cooking eggs. Picture this Mom, yep me, with two arms carrying two 30+pound screaming and kicking boys out with a little screaming girl jumping like a kangaroo trailing behind me…At the library of all places! Why do I keep doing this to myself(sigh)!
I wanted to go home so badly and do nothing, but I still had to pick up our groceries. Thank goodness for Walmart Grocery pick-up, I am convinced this was created just for me. Good-bye three-seater grocery cart and hello park and load in 5 minutes!
We were early since we had to leave the library so soon, so I just sat in the parking lot of Walmart, silently cried and prayed because I had had it. I was just done.
I know God heard my cries and right after calling my husband and praying to God, I received a text. The text was from a friend that I don’t speak with often however she knows our adoption journey and helped us in many ways. She sent me an article entitled, “Dear Mom of An Adopted Child” by Kathy Lynn Harris ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-lynn-harris/dear-mom-of-an-adopted-child_b_7267898.html ) . It was as if this author was speaking directly to me in some parts. This article reminded me that I am stronger than I think, I have determination and motivation that is unstoppable. The same woman I was when we were applying for adoption grants, going to classes, sending out social media blast asking for donations, having garage sales, opening up our most vulnerable and personal spaces of our lives and hearts to strangers, all in the name of becoming parents; I am that same woman, just now with a different title,Mommy.
This sweet reminder from God motivated me to “get it together.” Stop all this moping, fussing, complaining. Dig in deep to the same places you had to go when all of your friends were having babies by just thinking about it and you had to fight and claw your way to become a Mom. Thank you God for a reminder to be that Chantal again.
Will I have more moments like today when I need to literally be purposeful to maintain my sanity ? Absolutely. Probably sooner than I would like to think.
But man, did it feel good to know that God(and my husband) find me important and special enough to be right there to listen and encourage me in the midst of my frustrations. And it felt pretty good too when one of the three of my kids took a nap (hey, I gotta take what I can get around here!) I am always telling my kids that God is always with us and today I got evidence of my own words of truth.
I hope that someone will read this and either be able to relate and know that they are not alone or empathize because they have been there and made it through to the other side. I want anyone that can relate to realize that you are stronger than you think.
I appreciate you reading and not judging me too bad. I will always be a work in progress and thankful for God’s grace and mercy in the midst of it all.
We all have those “Get It Together” moments, whether you are a parent or not. God is such a good Father that even in the mist of our frustrations or just completely shutting down, He will show Himself, we just have to be open and willing to receive it.